Author Topic: Jokes about your profession  (Read 3041 times)

Offline Skywalker

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Jokes about your profession
« on: April 27, 2006, 01:26:12 AM »
Here's some economics jokes.  I look forward to hearing Andrew's law jokes, Neal's engineering jokes, and jokes about the rest of your professions.

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An economist is someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

Economists are people who are too smart for their own good and not smart enough for anyone else's.

“I'd rather be vaguely right than precisely wrong."
- J.M. Keynes

Economics is extremely useful… as a form of employment for economists.

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
- Laurence J. Peter  

If you put two economists in a room, you get two opinions, unless one of them is Lord Keynes, in which case you get three opinions.
- Winston Churchill
 
An economist is someone who doesn't know what he's talking about - and make you feel it's your fault

Q: Why did God create economists?
A: In order to make weather forecasters look good.

Economics is the only field in which two people can receive a Nobel Prize for saying exactly the opposite thing.

Three economists went out hunting and came across a large deer.  The first economist fired but missed by a yard to the left.  The second economist fired, but also missed by a yard to right.  The third economist didn't fire, but shouted in triumph, "We got it!  We got it!"

Economic forecasting is like trying to drive a car blindfolded and following directions given by a person who is looking out of the back window

Economics is the painful elaboration of the obvious.

An economist is someone who gets rich explaining others why they are poor.

An economist is a trained professional paid to guess wrong about the economy. An econometrician is a trained professional paid to use computers to guess wrong about the economy.

Offline Bob

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Jokes about your profession
« Reply #1 on: April 27, 2006, 05:08:22 PM »
A guy walks into the local NAPA store and asks "can I get a wiper blade for a Yugo"?

The clerk replies "sounds like a good trade to me".

 What does the car you drive say about you?

    * Acura Integra - I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars.
    * Acura Legend - I'm too bland for German cars.
    * Acura NSX - I'm impotent.
    * Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires.
    * Buick Park Avenue - I'm older than 34 of the 50 states.
    * Cadillac Eldorado - I'm a pimp.
    * Cadillac Seville - I'm a very good Mary Kay salesman.
    * Chevrolet Camaro - I enjoy beating the hell out of people.
    * Chevrolet Chevette - I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette.
    * Chevrolet Corvette - I'm in a mid-life crisis.
    * Chevrolet El Camino - I am leading a militia to overthrow the government.
    * Chrysler Cordoba - I dig the rich Corinthian leather.
    * Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well.
    * Dodge Dart - I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower.
    * Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car.
    * Dodge Dakota - I've always wanted a womans pickup truck.
    * Ferrari Testarossa - I'm known to prematurely ejaculate.
    * Ford Fairmont - (See Dodge Dart).
    * Ford Mustang Cobra - I slow down to 85 in school zones.
    * Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them.
    * Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the fall.
    * Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the fall.
    * Honda del Sol - I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all.
    * Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit.
    * Honda Accord - I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.
    * Infiniti Q45 - I'm a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.
    * Isuzu Impulse - I do not give a damn about J.D. Power or his reports.
    * Jaguar XJ6 - I'm so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year.
    * Kia Sephia - I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp.
    * Lamborghini Countach - I only have one testicle.
    * Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers.
    * Lincoln Navigator - I love scaring the crap out of the guy who is driving a civic.
    * Mercury Grand Marquis - I'm an AARP member and need my social security for the car payment.
    * Mercedes 500SL - I can go 0-60 in about 6 seconds if the car doesnt fall apart at 50.
    * Mercedes 560SEL - I'm dating a mechanic.
    * Mercedes ML320 - I'm a badass soccer mom.
    * Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler.
    * MGB - I'm dating a midget.
    * Mitsubishi Diamante - I don't know what it means either.
    * Nissan 300ZX - I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.
    * Nissan Maxima - I couldn't afford an Infiniti.
    * Oldsmobile Cutlass - I just stole this car and I'm going to make a fortune off the parts.
    * Oldsmobille Bravada - I laugh in the face of the guy who's driving a Blazer.
    * Peugeot 505 Diesel - I'm on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List.
    * Plymouth Neon - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena.
    * Pontiac Trans AM - I have a switchblade in my sock.
    * Pontiac GTO - Gas, Tires, & Orgasms.
    * Pontiac Aztek - Too easy.
    * Porsche 911 Turbo - I have a three inch thingie.
    * Porsche 944 - I'm dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me.
    * Rolls Royce Silver Shadow - I think Pat Buchanon is a tad bit too liberal.
    * Saturn SC2 - (See Honda Civic).
    * Subaru Legacy - I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior than Isuzu.
    * Toyota Camry - I'm still in the closet.
    * Toyota Land Cruiser - I would go off road if I could.
    * Volkswagen Cabriolet - I'm out of the closet.
    * Volkswagen Microbus - I'm trippin right now.
    * Volkswagen Beetle - I still watch Partridge Family reruns.
    * Volvo 740 Wagon - I'm very frightened of my wife

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? A: The pick-up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, “Guns don't kill people. I do.”
Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too sh*t-faced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving.
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave “hello” if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

 Two men are driving through Pennsylvania when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?"

The cop answers, "You're in Pennsylvania son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."

The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."

The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on the window.
The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says, "Just making your wish come true."

The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your buddy, "I wish that Son-of-a-B***h would've tried that s**t with me!"



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Offline enndogger

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Jokes about your profession
« Reply #2 on: April 27, 2006, 05:51:32 PM »
An engineering student is walking along when a fellow student arrives on a new bicycle. Impressed, he asks, "Where did you got this beautiful bicycle?"

"Well," the second engineering student says, "A couple of days ago I was just walking along when this georgeous blonde pulls up, hops off the bike, rips off all her clothes, and says 'take what you want'."

The other engineering student nods and says "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."


To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Q: What do engineers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.

A young engineer was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.  "Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"  "Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.  "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.  The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for and enduring relationship.  The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."


A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must be in management."

"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

Offline Drew

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« Reply #3 on: April 29, 2006, 08:02:32 PM »
A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and asked, "How do you handle the situation when you are asked for advice during a social function?"
"Just send an account for such advice" replied the lawyer.

On the next morning the doctor arrived at his surgery and issued the ulcer-stricken man a $50 account. That afternoon he received a $100 account from the lawyer



The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with honors, and then went home to join his father's firm. At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, father, in one day I broke the accident case that you've been working on for ten years!"

His father responded: "You idiot, we could live on the funding of that case for another ten years!"



What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.



A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"



The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"

The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him `I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"



A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The lawyer asked him, "Did you actually see the accident?"
The witness: "Yes, sir."

The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"
The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."

The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"
The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some annoying lawyer would ask me that question."

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some death to defy.

Offline Skywalker

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« Reply #4 on: May 07, 2006, 01:29:11 AM »
More Lawyer jokes... for some reason there seems to be alot of them out there.


Q: How did the lawyer get hurt in the traffic accident?
A: An ambulance stopped suddenly

Q: How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three--one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.

A lawyer was driving his BMW down the highway, singing to himself, "I love my BMW, I love my BMW." Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. "My BMW! My BMW!" he sobbed.
A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "Sir, sir, you're bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!"
The lawyer, horrified, screamed "My Rolex! My Rolex!"

A client who felt his legal bill was too high asked his lawyer to itemize costs. The statement included this item:
"Was walking down the street and saw you on the other side. Walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the street and walked quickly to catch up with you. Got close and saw it wasn't you. --- $50.00."

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.
"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."
The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers -- we had $100 when we broke in!"

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: How many can you afford?
« Last Edit: May 07, 2006, 01:31:01 AM by Skywalker »

Offline Alston

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« Reply #5 on: September 20, 2006, 07:10:42 PM »
What's the difference between a toilet seat and a Flight Attendant?
I toilet seat only serves one asshole at a time!
Monkeys in the Bed

Offline Bob

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« Reply #6 on: September 20, 2006, 07:27:51 PM »
Umm, last I checked you were a stewardess what is this flight attendant talk?




On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky you bitch". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach, "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick your ass".

Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly you're a lippy bastard!"



It was mealtime on a small airline and the stewardess asked the passenger if he would like dinner.
"What are my choices?" he asked.
"Yes or No," she replied.



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Offline Skywalker

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« Reply #7 on: September 22, 2006, 09:03:26 PM »
An airline captain was breaking in a new stewardess named Lindsay. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the Lindsay was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

Lindsay replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Offline Alston

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« Reply #8 on: October 08, 2006, 02:14:21 AM »
That's really funny thanks shad
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