Author Topic: How to deal with assholes  (Read 1847 times)

Offline Bob

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How to deal with assholes
« on: June 30, 2004, 11:15:23 PM »
For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just
need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you
know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had
forgotten to make. I found the number, and dialed it. A man
answered saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"
Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down
Robin's correct number, and called her. (I had transposed the
last two digits of her phone number).

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number
again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an
asshole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down, with the word 'asshole' next to it,and
put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was
paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him. He'd answer
and I'd yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic
'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number
and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company.
I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the caller ID
program?"

He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly
called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole."

So, one day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a
parking spot. Some boy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled
into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled
that I had been waiting for the spot.

The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car
window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later,
right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed
dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too. I dialed
and someone said, "Hello?" I said, "Is this the man with the
black BMW for sale?" "Yes it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and
the car's parked right out front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable
as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea: I called Asshole
#1.
"Hello"
"You're an asshole!" (but I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house with my
black Beemer out front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start
saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."

Then I called asshole # 2: "Hello?" he said.
"Hello Asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over

Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police saying that I
lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there
to kill my gay lover. Then, I called Channel 13 news about the
gang war going down on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my
car and headed over to 34th St. There, I saw two assholes
beating the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a
police helicopter, and news crew.

I'm feeling much better now.
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