Author Topic: 30 Things you need to know about Chuck Norris  (Read 5639 times)

Offline Bob

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30 Things you need to know about Chuck Norris
« on: November 26, 2005, 01:47:49 AM »
Top 30 Facts About Chuck Norris:

1.Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2.Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

3.Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

4.Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

5.Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

6.Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

7.Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

8.Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

9.To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

10.Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

11.Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

12.The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

13.Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

14.Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

15.If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

16.Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

17.Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

18.When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

19.Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

20.Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

21.When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

22.After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

23.Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

24.Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

25.Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

26.The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

27.There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

28.When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

29.Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.

30.One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
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Offline Pornomonkey

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30 Things you need to know about Chuck Norris
« Reply #1 on: November 26, 2005, 07:29:56 AM »
I'm crying, those were the best 30 facts/sentences, as well as most thought-provoking information I have ever read. *applauds*

Offline Mikal

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30 Things you need to know about Chuck Norris
« Reply #2 on: November 26, 2005, 07:04:59 PM »
We can all really learn something from ole'Chuck.
Only Jack Van Impe can save us now... PRAISE HIM!

Offline Aquabat

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30 Things you need to know about Chuck Norris
« Reply #3 on: November 28, 2005, 07:05:27 AM »
Please tell me you found this.

Ahh, this takes me back to Conan O'Brien's "Walker: Texas Ranger lever", how I miss thee.
I'm on Fire - And Now I Think I'm Ready,
To Bust a Move - Check it Out I'm Rockin'Steady

Offline Bob

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30 Things you need to know about Chuck Norris
« Reply #4 on: November 28, 2005, 05:03:32 PM »
Here is some more you didn't know about Chuck Norris, I think removed all the repeats. If I didn't you can answer to Chuck, because I don't care.

1. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

2. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

3. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

4. Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "Fucking."

5. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

6. There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.

7. In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.

8. Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.

9. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.

10. Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erection.

11. Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

12. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

13. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

14. Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

15. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

16. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

17. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

18. When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

19. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

20. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

21. Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.

22. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

23. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
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Offline Ryan

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30 Things you need to know about Chuck Norris
« Reply #5 on: January 27, 2006, 07:17:08 AM »
I didn't look over the last 50 or however many there are, but I think these are mostly all new:


World War II ended when Chuck Norris farted in a jar and threw it at Japan.

Chuck Norris is God's apology for creating Mexicans

The only time Chuck Norris was confused was after watching the Stephen Seagal movie "Nico". Still to this day, he cannot figure out, why a rival action hero chooses to run like a schoolgirl with wet knickers

Chuck Norris goes to bed with morning wood

Chuck Norris got drunk at a bar and passed out. Luckily, his beard called him a cab, directed the driver to the correct address, and finally roundhouse kicked its way through Norris' front door. When Chuck awoke the next morning, he noticed breakfast and the daily paper by his bedside. Chucks beard thanks god for every day it remains unshaven and continues to recognize who it works for.

For every time Chuck Norris kills a man, an angel gets its wings. For every time a puppy dies, Chuck Norris laughs.

Chuck Norris's dick is the reason why Dakota Fanning's teeth are so messed up    (take note:  http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0266824/)

Chuck Norris got banned from the state of Florida after he roundhouse kicked a dolphin at Seaworld

When Chuck Norris takes a crap it lifts him up off the seat about 2 feet, he then has an Asian break it up with a pickaxe in order to flush it.

Chuck Norris sang the theme song to Walker, Texas Ranger. The difference between this and other facts? It's true

Jesus's Birthday isn't December 25 but Chuck Norris once sent him a birthday card for that day, Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth. Thats why we celebrate Christmas

Chuck Norris wipes twice without looking at the TP.

Chuck Norris is both blessed and cursed with the ability to destroy anything by merely by looking at it. To prevent this from happening, Chuck personally removed his eyes and now uses Bob Saget as the stick blind persons use to locate objects in their path.

Chuck Norris does not have pubic hair, he has a groin beard.

When Chuck Norris got lost in the mountains one time, he used is own pubic hair as kindling for a fire.

Chuck Norris once ate a three month old baby and then pooped him out the same day as a full grown man. His name you ask...? Abraham Lincoln. Abe later went on to end slavery and go on a beard promotion tour throughout the United States.

The Video Game company "Nintendo" was founded by Chuck Norris when he gave birth to a "Nintendo Entertainment System" after swallowing several Asian businessman whole.

President Bush DID have a sure fire plan to end the war in Iraq, However Chuck Norris was busy that day
When Chuck Norris first saw the ten commandments written in stone, he was angered that god did not include his name. He then gave Moses a wedgie and karate chopped the Commandments in several peices. Moses snickered as he made off with the real copy, to this day, Chuck Norris will punch anyone who brings up the subject of the the ten commandments in hope that it could be Moses in disguise.

Chuck Norris' case of the crabs is worth 5 million in the Chinese crabbing industry

The role of Alf, from the hit 80's TV show of the same name was actually played by Chuck Norris' penis

Upon reading a fictitious story in his local tabloid, Chuck Norris ripped out the heart of its writer and used his blood to fertilize his lawn. To celebrate, Norris let Steven Seagal out of his cage and beat him mercilessly. Mr. T, who was also present, pitied the shit out of Segal. Norris then fucked your wife, and lit her body on fire using pure grain alcohol and bolts of lightning from his eyes

Okay, on that note, this post is over, more to come though, just you wait.
MW2!