Author Topic: Alcohoroscopes  (Read 3778 times)

Offline Bob

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Alcohoroscopes
« on: April 08, 2005, 02:42:20 PM »
What are you?

ARIES Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes don't know when
to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them prone to
closing-time shot contests. They're sloppy, fun drunks, and they get
mighty flirty after a couple tipples. Getting Aries people drunk is a good
way to get what you want out of them, should other methods fail. Aries
can become bellicose when blotto, but they will assume that whatever
happened should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. They can be
counted on to do the same for you -- so long as you haven't gone and done
anything really horrible to them last night, you sneaky Gemini.

TAURUS Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming for a mellow
glow rather than a full-on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated Taurus is a
one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-china-shop inebriate who spills
red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to employers, the
preference for wining and dining (or Bud and buddies) to body shots and
barfing is quite fortunate for the rest of us. This is not to say that the
Bull is by any means a teetotaler -- god, no. A squiffy Taurus will get,
er, gregarious (full of loudmouth soup, some would say) and is extremely
amusing to drag to a karaoke bar when intoxicated.

GEMINI Geminis can drink without changing their behavior much -- they're
so naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that it's just hard to
tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with finesse and
allusion, then doing something to belie an extremely advanced state of
intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Geminis possess the magic ability
to flirt successfully(and uninfuriatingly, which is very tricky) with
several people at once. They like to order different cocktails every round
-- repetition is boring-- and may create a theme (like yellow drinks:
beer, sauvignon blanc and limoncello) for their own amusement.

CANCER Cancer is a comfort drinker -- and an extra wine with dinner or an
after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can't it, Cancer darling?
Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must guard against
lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret parties and
insinuating themselves on VIP lists -- and, in true Hollywood style,
Cancers are never really drunk; instead, they get "tired and emotional"
(read: weepy when lubricated). But there's nothing better than wapping
stories (and spit) over a few bottles of inky red wine with your favorite
Cancer. Even your second-favorite Cancer will do. The sign also rules the
flavor vanilla, and you'd be adored if you served up a vanilla vodka and
soda.

LEO Leo likes to drink and dance -- they're often fabulous dancers, and
usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their commanding dignity and
turning kittenish. Of course, they're quite aware they're darling - Leos
will be Leos, after all. They generally know their limit, probably because
they loathe losing self-control. When they get over-refreshed, expect
flirting to ensue -- and perhaps not with the one that brought them. But
Leo's not the type to break rules even when drunk, so just try to ignore
it (try harder, Cancer) and expect a sheepish (and hung over) Lion to make
it up to you the next day.

VIRGO Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto their bender.
Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to drinking less than
other signs, sure -- but it could also lead to drinking booze neat, to
sucking down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. They rarely get fully
shellacked-- but, oh, when they do! Virgo's controlled by the intellect,
but there's an unbridled beast lurking within, and they let it loose when
walloped. It's dead sexy (and surprisingly unsloppy). As one Virgo friend
used to declare, "I'm going to drink myself into a low level of
intelligence tonight." A toast to the subgenius IQ!

LIBRA "I'm jusht a social drinker," slurs Libra, "it's jusht that I'm so
damn social?" Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle and relate to
everyone. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra (with Insta-Friend device
set to "on") or heavier on the Evil Libra side (they are little
instigators when bored), the Scales can really work a room. Charming as
they are, Libras are notoriously lacking in self-control, however, which
can get them into all sorts of trouble -- including wearing their wobbly
boots waaaay too early in the evening, flirting with their best friend's
beau or even blacking out the night's events entirely. Oops!

SCORPIO Don't ever tell Scorpios they've had enough, for they'll smirk at
you and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till they're
hog-whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to drink, and
screw you if you have a problem with that. Most of them see the sauce as
something to savor in itself, and not as a personality-altering tool --
though if depressed, self-loathing Scorps seek total obliteration. But
generally, they're fascinating drinking pals, brilliant conversationalists
and dizzying flirts. They also remember everything -- especially what you
did when you were blitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you.

SAGITTARIUS In vino veritas -- and, for Sagittarius, in booze blurtiness:
When buttered, they'll spill all your secrets and many of their own.
Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink with. This is a
sign of serious partying (what else would you expect from the sign of
Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna Nicole Smith?). They're
the people who chat up everyone in the room, then persuade the entire
crowd to travel somewhere else -- like a nightclub, or a playground, or
Cancun. Good-natured hijinks are sure to ensue (including a high
possibility of loopy groping; spontaneous Sag is a brilliant booty call).

CAPRICORN Capricorn is usually described as practical, steadfast,
money-hungry and status-thirsty -- no wonder they get left off the
astrological cocktail-party list. But this is the sign of David Bowie and
Annie Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the true rock star:
independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, not too eager to please.
And if they make money being themselves, who are you to quibble? But just
like most rock stars, they're either totally on or totally off, and they
generally need a little social lubricant to loosen up and enjoy the after
party, especially if they can hook up with a cute groupie.

AQUARIUS Aquarius and drinking don't go together that well (except for
water, that is). They have an innate tendency toward know-it-allism, and
if they get an idea while sizzled, they're more stubborn than a stain or a
stone. If they're throwing a party or organizing an outing, however,
they're too preoccupied with their duties to get combative -- and they
make perfectly charming drunks in that case. Fortunately, they're usually
capital drink-nursers. They also make the best designated drivers (if you
can get them before they start raising their wrist): Aquarius is
fascinated by drunk people and capable of holding interesting
conversations with soused strangers while sober.

PISCES If you're a Pisces, you've probably already heard
that you share a sign and an addictive personality -- with Liz Taylor,
Liza Minelli and Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves
in the dreamy, out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but they build
up a mighty tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like that? On the
other hand, they're fabulously enchanting partners, whether in
conversation or in crime. With the right Pisces, you can start out
sharing a pitcher of margaritas and wind up in bed together for days. The
phrase "addictive personality" can be read two ways, you know.
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Offline Jami

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Alcohoroscopes
« Reply #1 on: April 08, 2005, 08:36:13 PM »
I think yours fits you a little too well there, my dear.  :drunk:
I like chicken!

Offline Mikal

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Alcohoroscopes
« Reply #2 on: April 15, 2005, 11:31:16 PM »
I think mine fits pretty well. Although, I usually don't have to forigve or be forgiven for anything, instead I just don't remember and you guys just don't tell me.
Only Jack Van Impe can save us now... PRAISE HIM!

Offline Skywalker

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Alcohoroscopes
« Reply #3 on: April 22, 2005, 02:52:42 AM »
"[Virgos] rarely get fully shellacked-- but, oh, when they do!"

 Sounds kinda like me... except for the rarely part!