The Gong Show
General Chat => Jokes => Topic started by: Skywalker on November 04, 2004, 05:59:26 AM
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Warning: the jokes below are extremely awful and crude; if you are even slightly a caring or compassionate person or have even a shred of human decency please close this thread now.
Ok guys, only the most offensive jokes are allowed in this thread... remember these are only jokes so don't get you panties in a knot. :evil2:
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What's the difference between menstral fluid and sand?
I cant gargal sand.
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There once was a little boy who was celebrating his 11th birthday.
He decided to test his family to see if they remembered his birthday, so he goes downstairs to his father. 'Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today', the boy said.
The father has no clue and finally gives up. 'I'm eleven!' the boy exclaims.
Next he goes in the kitchen, walks up to his grandma, and says, 'Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today'.
'Let me give it a guess', grandma says and sticks her hand in his trousers.
She plays with his testicles for about an hour or so (squeezing them; moving them back and forth), takes her hand out of his trousers, and says, 'You're eleven years old'.
'How did you know?' the boy asked.
Grandma replied, 'I heard you tell your father'
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What's the difference between an Indian father and a pizza?
Pizza can feed a family of four.
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Whats the difference between a truck load of dead babies and a truck load of bowling balls?
You can't unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork
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How does a dude make his baby girl cry twice?
Wipes his bloody dick on her teddy bear
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Here's a messed up comic strip by one of my favorite cartoonists, Don Hertzfeldt. If you have the chance, search for a video called "Rejected" on Kazaa. It's by the same guy and it's hilarious.
http://www.bitterfilms.com/ta_wt_03.html (http://www.bitterfilms.com/ta_wt_03.html)
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How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the face
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Why cant Helan Keller drive?
Cause she's a woman!
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What's it like to have sex with your grama
Peel open a grilled cheese sandwich
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What do you call a person with leporacy in a hot tub?
Stew
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Now this is a topic I can contribute to!
Here is my start:
Q: What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole?
A: A pedophile.
Q: What's a pedophile's favorite part of a hockey game?
A: Before the First Period.
Q: How do you swat 200 flies at one time
A: Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.
Q: What is a redneck virgin?
A: A seven year old that can run faster than her brothers.
Q: What do you throw a Mexican man when he's drowning?
A: His wife and kids.
Q: Why is a Black mans eyes always red after sex?
A: From the mace
Q: Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself?
A: You would too if you were named Auuurraaagggghhh!
Q: What is the most positive thing in harlem?
A: HIV
Q: How do you drown a black preson?
A: Pop their lips.
Q: Why do Jewish girls like to fuck doggy style?
A: They can't stand to see somebody else have a good time.
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Q: Why are there so many trees in Harlem?
A: Public Transportation.
Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
A: Who the hell cares, why the fuck is she outta the kitchen??
Q: Why are there no black astronauts?
A: Their lips explode at 50, 000 ft.
Q: What do you call a black man with a briefcase?
A: A branch manager.
Q: What do you call a black man mixed with a Mexican?
A: Someone too lazy to steal.
Q: What is the worst 3 years of a black man's life?
A: First Grade.
Q: What is a black man?
A: Proof that skunks fuck monkeys.
Pardon the racism. Just thought it was suitable for this thread. :P
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Q: Why is there so little Puerto Rican literature?
A: Because spray paint wasn't invented until 1949
Q: How do you starve a black man?
A: hide his foodstamps under his workboots.
Q: In Kentucky, what do divorces and tornados have in common.
A: Either way, someone is going to lose a trailer.
Q: Why do the Scottish wear kilts?
A: Because a sheep can hear a zipper from like a mile away.
Q: Two (insert favorite ethnic group here) jump off the top of a very tall building. Which one his the ground first?
A: Who gives a fuck?
Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blow-job?
A: You know she'll swallow
Q: What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection?
A: Quarter pounder with cheese
Q: Why do black people smell?
A: So blind people can hate them too
Q: What did the little Mexican boy get for christmas?
A: My bike.
Q: How are fat bitches and Mo-peds the same?
A: They are both fun to ride, but you don't tell your friends about them.
Q: What's the difference between a jew and a pizza?
A: A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven!
Q: Why do black people play basketball?
A: They can run, shoot, and steal
Q:What did Adolf Hitler get his neice for her birthday?
A: An easy bake oven
Q:What would the Jetsons be called if they were black?
A: Niggers.
Q: What do you call an Ethiopian on a hunger strike?
A: Ethiopian
Q: How do you know when a redneck has her period?
A: She's only wearing one sock.
Q:Whats the difference between a pakie & a bucket of shit?
A:The bucket.
Q:What do you call a pakie with a wooden leg?
A:Shit on a stick.
Q:What do you call a pakie with two wooden legs?
A:A waste of wood.
Q: What do you call an ethiopian jumping off a cliff?
A: A chocolate drop.
Q: Why doesn't Mexico enter the Olympics?
A: Because all their best runners, jumpers and swimmers are in America.
Q: What was good about the million man march?
A: Only three people missed work
Q: What's the useless skin around a vagina called?
A: The woman.
Q: Do you wanna hear a joke?
A: Women's Rights
:wave:
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I didnt read all of those, but here are a few fucked up jokes:
Q: Whats green and purple and sits in a cage of my front porch?
A: Its my nigger and ill paint him whatever color I want.
Q: How do you keep niggers from hanging out in your back yard?
A: Hang em in the front yard.
Q: A black man and a puerto rican man are in a car, who's driving?
A: The cops.
Q: What do you call a mexican with 12 hands?
A: I dont know, but it sure can pick a lot of lettuce.
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Bob says:
Q: What would the Jetsons be called if they were black?
A: Niggers
HAHAHHHHHHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAAHHAHAHA I couldnt stop laughing for about 2 hours.
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Q: What did the Alabama Sheriff call the black man who had been shot 15 times?
A: Worst case of suicide.
Q: Why do Jews have big noses?
A: Air is free.
Q: hat is a nigger on a bike?
A: A thief.
Q: What's long, black, and full of shit?
A: The Welfare line.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead nigger on the road?
A: The dog has skid marks in front of it.
Q: Why are chimps always frowning?
A: They know they're gonna turn into niggers in a million years.
Q: How many Ethiopians can you fit in a phone booth?
A: All of them.
Q: What's the most confusing thing in Harlem?
A: Father's Day.
Q: What do you call a nigger in a business suit?
A: The Defendant.
Q: Why does Alabama have niggers and California have earthquakes?
A: California got first pick.
Q: Why are Mexicans like sperm?
A: One in a million actually work.
Q: Why do niggers have flat noses?
A: That's where God put his feet when he was pulling off their tails.
Q: What is the difference between Batman and a black man?
A: Batman can go out at night without Robin.
*Hear about KuKluxK'neval? Tried to jump 30 niggers with a steamroller.*
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Time to bring this baby back to life. We have a whole new string of aweful jokes to use.
How do you stop a tsunami? You throw 160,000 asians in front of it.
How do you find a prostitute in Sri Lanka? With a fish net.
What is the most popular sport in Indonesia? BODY SURFING!
How many Asians died in the disaster? Not enough.
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This is one of my favorites.
Q: What do you call a woman with two black eyes?
A: Nothing, you already told her twice.
:punch: This smiley seemed extremely appropriate.
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This is one of my favorites.
Q: What do you call a woman with two black eyes?
A: Nothing, you already told her twice.
:punch: This smiley seemed extremely appropriate.
[snapback]843[/snapback]
Had to correct you
should be What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?....
And the matching joke is:
What do you call a woman with one black eye?
A quick leaner.
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should be What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?....
And the matching joke is:
What do you call a woman with one black eye?
A quick leaner.
[snapback]844[/snapback]
Learner, Bob, learner. Had to correct you.
Chalk up another post for Trev.
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should be What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?....
And the matching joke is:
What do you call a woman with one black eye?
A quick leaner.
[snapback]844[/snapback]
Learner, Bob, learner. Had to correct you.
Chalk up another post for Trev.
I have a small penis.
[snapback]845[/snapback]
Damn, you showed me.
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Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A: You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
Q: What do you call a black priest?
A: A Holy Shit!
Q: What do you call a black priest's black brother?
A: A nigger
Q: What do you see when you see a one-legged nigger hopping down the street?
A: Stop laughing and reload.
Q: Where do you hide money from a Spic?
A: Under the soap.
Q: Why do black's put their trash in clear bags?
A: So the mexicans can window shop.
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Thought I'd bump this back up in hopes of getting some participation back in here, even if it's to criticize these awful, disgusting jokes...
Q: What's red and sits in a highchair?
A: A baby eating razor-blades.
Q: What is red and white and squirms in the corner?
A: Baby playing with razor blades.
Q: What is red, white and green and sits in a corner?
A: Same baby 3 weeks later.
Q: What's blue and thrashes about on the floor?
A: A baby playing in a plastic bag.
Q: What's blue and sits in the corner?
A: Dead baby in a cellophane bag.
Q: What is black and bubbly and taps on glass every ten seconds?
A: Dead baby in a carousel microwave!
Q: Why did the baby cross the road?
A: It was stapled to the chicken.
Enough of the babies, poor darlings...
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Yeah, those were pretty bad. . . Is it wrong that I laughed?
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Okay I know these are a little late but they are so awful that they just have to be posted.
What is Terri Schiavo's favorite food?
Tube steak.
What is Terri Schiavo's favorite fun activity?
Tubing.
Whats Terri Schiavo's favorite tv show?
Survivor
Why isn't Terri Schiavo watching all of her recent news coverage?
Nobody has turned on her tube in 6 days
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Okay this one isn't so awful, but I figured it was easier to put it here than make a new topic:
The Lone Ranger comes into town during the hottest part of summer.
He stops outside a bar and tells Tonto to run in circles around Silver his horse, waving his poncho to keep a nice breeze on Silver while he goes in to drink.
A couple of minutes later a man dressed in black swaggers into the bar and says "You the Lone Ranger?"
"Yes, I am" the Lone Ranger replies.
"Oh," says the man dressed in black, "Did ya know ya left your injun runnin?"
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Bahahahahaha :evilhappy:
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A prostitute goes to deposit a $100 bill in a bank.
The teller says, "Sorry, madam, the note is fake."
"Oh no!" exclaimed the prostitute, "I have been raped."
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A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday, he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him." So, the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?" The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So, every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm having sex with her." The boss says, "You have sex with your sister?" The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."
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A salesman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when he sees a Navajo man hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Navajo man climbs in.
During their small talk, the Navajo man glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.
"If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the salesman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."
The Navajo man is silent for awhile, nods several times and says, "Good trade."
Q: Why were there only 300 mexicans at the Alamo?
A: They only had one car
Q: What do you call an Ethiopian taking a shit?
A: A Show-off
Q: What's the difference between a black jew and a white jew?
A: The black ones go at the back of the oven
Q: What do you throw to a drowning black man?
A: A Rock
Q: What do you call a crazy crackhead running from the cops?
A: A nigger
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Q: What's the difference between onions and prostitutes?
A: I cry when I cut up onions.
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:crying: :lol: I don't know if its the onions or the dead hooker, but my eyes are watering. hahahahaha, oh my.
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Two Middle East mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of
goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son, Mohammed. He's 24 years old now."
"Yes, I remember him as a baby," says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though," mum confides.
"Oh, so sad dear," says the other.
"And this is my second son, Kalid. He's 21."
"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "He had such curly hair when he was born."
"He's a martyr too," says mum quietly.
"Oh, gracious me," says the other.
"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18," she whispers.
"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school."
"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...
"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
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What do Hutterites do on Halloween????
Pump Kin.....
Did you hear Hutterites found a new use for sheep.....
Wool
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Larry gets home late one night, and his wife Linda says, where in the hell have you been?"
He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would you get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on your privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I Like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand, and Last, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home And blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
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Boogada
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Did you hear princess Diana was on the radio ?
and the dashboard and windsheild.
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Straight to hell Jay, straight to hell....
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Nothing like Chatholic girls
>A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They
>are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
>
>St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with
>a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of
>one with the tip of my finger."St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your
>finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate.
>
>"St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever
>had
>any contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies,
>"Well
>once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand
>in
>The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
>
>All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls; one girl
>is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of
>the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?" The girl
>replies
> "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before
>Tiffany sticks her ass in it."
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We need more awful jokes. This site is practically Christian now.
Q: Why does Helen Keller play piano with one hand?
A: She has to sing with the other!
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How do you know if a nigger is prego ? stick a banana up her cunt if it comes out half eatin theres a monkey up there.
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ooh ha ha yikes!!! If there is such thing as a line it may have been crossed!
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That one is actually offensive (awesome) on more than one level. Not so sure that it can be topped.
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That day will come. I just hope its sooner than later. About crossing that line it feels so good even if you just put your toe over. So everyone should join in cause I would like to hear more offensive jokes.